Armageddon of the Soul

GOODBYES

2007-02-11T06:20:00.000-08:00

need a pack a smokes
to get ya through the day
a pound of joe
to keep the pain at bay
this is what is left
when you're all alone
head is shorn
and your lips are sewn
there's nothin' noone
to make you feel whole
and it's captured in
this photo's soul

five miles lost
on down the road
the trail's lost
or growing cold
you're an outsider
you knew when you left
your hearth and home
there'd be no place left
to call you're own
this side of her

DEATH WITHOUT THE STEAMROLLER

2007-02-11T06:15:00.000-08:00

FIrst thing ya feel after one too many
gettin' outta bed's a drag and your head feels heavy
and a funy cottonmouth taste
promise yourself you'll drink no more
but there's booze being spilled out on the floor
and it's such a waste

Death without the steamroller
last night sure took a toll on her
here's hopin' the mornin' light
will chase her blues away
Death without the steamroller
there's no more booze left in her
just what last night has left behind

Down to the floor to drink it dry
last call lovers the cold goodbye
there's one more song on the hi fives
late last night's just a dull ache
was it your head or your heart you thought to break
two shots to every happpy couple girlfriends and wives

Death without the steamroller
last night sure took a toll on her
here's hopin' the mornin' light
will chase her blues away
Death without the steamroller
there's no more booze left in her
just what last night has left behind

WHAT IT'S LIKE

2007-01-31T06:59:00.000-08:00

people always askin’
what’s it like in Iraq
here’s somethin’ you won’t find
on the newspaper rack
you wake in the mornin’
choppers hoverin’ near
.50 cals are blazin’
somewhere in the rear
every day’s the same
eleven months to go
people reenlisting
for the tax free dough
we ask how ya doin’
the family and the wife
months passing by
a year of wasted life
we put on the gear
and roll the craps dice
some are know to make
the greatest sacrifice
we return to the states
to applause of a nation
but all we done over here
is protect the corportation
this is what we’ll say
reminiscing in bars
that we all risked our lives
for K B and R

BLASPHEMIES

2007-01-31T06:58:00.001-08:00

when I get to heaven
will God still be on His throne
and see me with those ancient eyes
all the things He can’t condone
do I believe in Nietzsche
that truly God is dead
or the words of the Bible
that my father read

be a good boy and do good things
your salvation is assured
but I do not understand
this concept is absurd

man we are like worms
livin’ in the dirt
God holds up the looking glass
to see if the sun will hurt
man we lost connection
to the cosmic plan
is there a higher power
something I can understand

you put me on earth
you left me all alone
a ship at sea driftin’
a dog without a bone
you tell me no answers
to the questions I ask
you hide behind the veil
reality a mask
and when I dare to question
the things that I see
you tell me I’ll be damned
hell eternally

I never saw a choice
in the things I must believe
life is just a phantasm
this dreary dream we weave
so when I go to hell
I’ll look Satan in the eye
tell him how he’s fucked us all
by tellin’ us the lie

KILLIN' TIME

2007-01-31T06:58:00.000-08:00

Got some dude standin’ there
Wit my gun to his head
Peep this shit brutha
This shit ain’t dread
I’m tellin’ him sit down
Hands in the air
I know he understands
But pretend he don’t hear
So I rack back the shotty
Stick up to his ear
Finger on the trigger
Squeeze it part his hair
This shit ain’t happenin’, bro
This shit ain’t real
Soul is burnin’ baby
Can’t shake how it feel
And just the other day
Saw some dude wit holes
Blood seepin’ out
Oh shit is that his soul
I seen it fadin’ fast
Slidin’ by his eyes
Gives up the ghost
And the body just dies
How can you write home
And say you seen the dead
Or try to describe
All the shit in your head
So you keep it locked in
Bottled up tight
But somethin’ inside screamin’
This shit ain’t right
Here’s a little somethin’
I don’t understand
Little boys in war
With guns in their hands
They teach how to shoot
They teach how to kill
They give you the power
And they give you the will
But what they don’t teach
In basic one o one
Is how to live with killin’
When the killin’s all done

RASTA

2007-01-31T06:56:00.000-08:00

Hail to thee, Haile Sellasie
Repatriate Rastafari
Gone back to Ethiopi
Where all Ras can be free
Rasta!
Jah man!
Come on now, Haile Sellasie
Return return to me
I and I of Rastafari
Wait and wait on Haile Sellasie
Rasta!
Jah man!
There is no place above me
Holy land is Ethiopi
When we go back to see He
There will be no more suffering
Rasta!
Jah Man!
Come come smoke ganj with me
Smoke up and set you free
So says the King Sellasie
All ganj is good for me
Rasta!
Jah man!
You say white man oppress me
I say no man oppress me
when we fly to Ethiopi
All Ras there will be free
Rasta!
Jah man!

COLD WINDS BLOWIN'

2007-01-31T06:55:00.000-08:00

seems like all my life
cold winds blow on me
been fightin’ wars with the Man upstairs
who sends the cold winds down on me

hands are in my pockets
collar turned towards the breeze
never got no breaks from Him
who sends the wind right through the trees

it blows down hard and it blows down soft
sometimes it blows with rain
it blows with dust and dirt my friend
but always with a cold refrain

told myself some secrets
no one knows ‘em well
wind tears words from my lips
on unhearing ears they fell

spent my life alone
the wind and me agree
nothin’ and no one to call my own
only the wind that’s chasin’ me

it blows down hard and it blows down soft
sometimes it blows with rain
it blows with dust and dirt my friend
but always with a cold refrain

and I been trudgin’ here for quite some time
the wind keeps me company
old Man blowin’ cold breath on down
I wish he’d let me be.

BELLS

2007-01-31T06:54:00.000-08:00

Bells are prophets
And bells are seers
Ring uncertain futures
Toll out your fears
They’re ringin’ out now
Revolutions on the rise
The cut ‘em down tomorrow
When the dictator dies

Cast out of iron
Cast out of steel
They’re ringin’ out slow
When the dead don’t feel
They’re ringin’ up high
Strung in the steeple
Tellin’ the time
Opiate of the people

They’re ringin’ out now
The town’s on fire
Out with the old
In with desire
The lover’s are sleepin’
After making their love
While bells are watching
From perches high above

9MM

2007-01-31T06:53:00.001-08:00

Went to my room
Got my nine millimeter
Knew there was a day
I was gonna need her
Played Russian roulette
With a semi automatic
At a point in my life
When everything was static

I dug my own grave
Dumped my body in
No one left to save
And that’s what my life has been

I’ve been more than
A lover and a hater
Been the boy that said
Friend see ya later
Been to the top
And I been to the bottom
Been into pills
And been in the bottle

I dug my own grave
Dumped my body in
No one left to save
And that’s what my life has been

VIRGINIA

2007-01-31T06:53:00.000-08:00

She was packaged and stenciled
Made in viginia
Hitchin’ out of town
Was a way to forget her

Set outta town
On a cold red mornin’
Ringin’ in my head
All the words of her warnin’

When you was raised down south
Just a spit from the line
You’re brought up to believe
Home is a piece of mind

You buy the insurance
And slap on label
It may be fragile baby
But this ain’t no fable

You can drop it in the dust
Kick it all around
I’ll put it all together
As I head westward bound

HEADIN' SOUTH

2007-01-31T06:52:00.000-08:00

Went on down to texas
To see ta cross the line
Escape a life of luxury
And everything in my mind
Hitched to Amarillo
I met me a Mexican
Said gringo don’t ya go way down there
They’sa dirty to the man

I looked him square dead in the eye
Said I’d like some poverty
If bein’ poor’s whatcha lookin’ for
Then Mexico is for me
Set my sights southern bound
With nothin’ left to pack
Climbed the fence late one night
Never lookin’ back

Most head north to yankee land
To get opportunity
Headin’ south as fast as I can
To seek a better life for me
Crossed the Colorado
A fine stench to be sure
American blues fade real fast
Mexico is the cure

MINDLESS MILLIONS

2007-01-31T06:50:00.000-08:00

Come to be baby
Get your opium
It’s the drug
That makes ya numb
Lambs to the slaughter
Line up for the votin’ machine
Punch you’re your ticket
For the wizard that you’ve never seen
Red blue baby
Parties all the same
Beyond the curtain baby
There ain’t no sick and lame
They got the pusher eyes
As you line up for the truth
Mouth full a gums
They bite you with the sugar tooth
Mindless millions
Blinder studded eyes
Cut the gag reflex baby
To swallow more of their lies

2006-10-24T12:17:00.000-07:00

now I know you
never gonna listen
so used to
livin' all twisted
but prometheus stole the fire
brought it in on his back
and flame goes to crystal
so you smokin' your crack
now it's been twenty years
from one place to another
but still it's all the same
cuz you're missin' your mother
remember your times together
remember the days of fun
she's on the southbound train now
you're on the northbound one
now the dead don't die
they just know they never leavin'
and if God was your father
would he try to get even
but you layin' on your couch
and you lookin' all lax
needle in the arm
layin' it's tracks
flame goes to spoon
now it's down to the wire
bubble on the edge
now you stuck in mire

cocaine

2006-10-07T11:12:00.000-07:00

woke up in a strange room
white powder all around
a broken heart a broken mind
no whole peice could be found
they pegged me for a dealer
a dealer I am by trade
goddam the pusher man
but a pusher I remain
I've always been a junkie
the darker things I crave
anything I can find
to lead me to the grave
got into the black car
said take me to insane
driver turner poured me a line
said suck on that cocaine
drink a shot a whiskey
snort a line a coke
contemplate what's left behind
me the cosmic joke
lookin' for the free love
but love don't come for free
paid the price in blood my friend
if you seen me you'd agree
if I had a line a cocaine
I'd snort it up my nose
follow the white line inside my head
to where the hell no one knows
if I had some heroin
I'd shoot some in my vein
orgasmic silence to revel in
trascend this earthly plane

thump

2006-10-02T18:35:00.000-07:00

empty streets and
parking lots
lonely hearts and
poor old sots
last night's story
last night's plot
to follow through or
to follow not

with one glance my melting heart
burns into the ground
the thump thump thump it used to make
now don't make a thumping sound

suddenly time
don't stand still it's
time to love it's
time to kill
sometimes play the
bastard role but
inside myself is there a
bastard soul

with one glance my melting heart
burns into the ground
the thump thump thump it used to make
now don't make a thumping sound

was a time said
with a smile life
is a journey
walk the mile
got my pipe dreams
are they what they seem
battle ground's in the
in betweens
construction worker
lay them plans
can ya lay 'em all
with them tiny hands

with one glance my melting heart
burns into the ground
the thump thump thump it used to make
now don't make a thumping sound

burn

2006-09-28T15:54:00.000-07:00

crossing bridges should've burned
ashes left to dwindle
left the past far behind
those flames to rekindle

smoke lingers pocketed
in conflicted hopless lovers
learned to sing while hidin'
in the skirts of single mothers

bottled my emotions
drank 'em down again
body of a junkie
growing pale and thin

we're all sinner addicts
cravin' deeper pain
cover up the punctures
tattoo secret stain

city lights burnin'
somewhere in your eye
deep in flaming wind
heard Mary cry

2006-09-26T04:55:00.000-07:00

disaffection
no connection
to this world of make believe
introspection
self inspection
these thoughts they do deceive
flagellation
self mutilation
hopin' to find some new reprieve

Neverland

2006-09-26T04:50:00.000-07:00

come with me to neverland
never to return
misspent years of our youth
lessons to relearn
sicafantic fuckups
prick you do you bleed
got the blunts baby
burn in amsterdam weed
we're gonna get high
we're gonna lie
in a bed of our own makin'
we're gonna be naked
peter pan complex
never wanna grow old
wendy warm me baby
your love is growing cold
lost boys trackin' mud
through your heart and home
pirates and their orgy
make you wanna moan
we're gonna get high
we're gonna lie
in a bed of our own makin'
we're gonna be naked
captain hook bartender
with his eyes of steel
you sold your soul baby
to drink your last meal
happy thought pills
they make you wanna fly
wake up in peter's bed
but you can't remember why
we're gonna get high
we're gonna lie
in a bed of our own makin'
we're gonna be naked

2006-09-26T04:47:00.000-07:00

walkin' to my lonely car
nestled in a parking lot
walkin' to my lonely car
is all that I have got
how can I tell you this
make you slightly amused
that the way I am feeling
is more than abused
she doesn't love you man
the endstate is just the same
since there's no one left to hurt
there's only me to blame

Anna Karenina

2006-09-21T15:11:00.000-07:00

she went to bed broken hearted
thinkin' about a boy
she kept her light on just beside her
so she could read Tolstoy
Anna Karenina
she's my only friend
Anna Karenina
she's my only friend
in the morning when she wakes
she finds herself alone
she cries herself asleep again
her heart has turned to stone
Anna Karenina
she's my only friend
Anna Karenina
she's my only friend
can she make it through the day
without a cigarette
no one asks about her day
no one gives a shit
Anna Karenina
she's my only friend
Anna Karenina
she's my only friend

Doorstep

2006-09-10T14:30:00.000-07:00

here I am at your doorstep
bitch of a dog in my cage
look at me with a glance that says
when you gonna act your age
I pushed your buzzer
I rang your bell
secrets of the doorstep
a sinners silent hell
when you pull me by the collar
lead me straight inside
those secrets on the doorstep
inside we confide
warmth like a blanket
darkness of a womb
breath it in slowly
two for a tomb
here I am tomorrow
morning night will flee
graspin' hard to justify
what lawers cannot plea
bargain hunter searchin'
for the cold goodbye
tell the truth bend a bit
and wait for harsh reply

2006-09-03T15:03:00.000-07:00

incubators
lovers and haters
masturbators
fornicators
we've measured our life
out in ink on our jeans
where life and times
are not what they seem
fraternal hazers
nows and laters
fringe debators
strung out free basers
kudzoo laden trees
givin' way to the city
where homeless on the streets
are demanding your pity
hallucinators
dominators
medicators
self sedators
turn signal cars
that never seem to turn
crossing bridges
I should have burned
men in blazers
busboys and waiters
fates and satrys
deviators
we've broken trends
to save a survivor
hands on chest and
lips to revive her

2006-09-03T14:18:00.000-07:00

since the time of man and wheel
we've built these things of brick and steel
when the bomb comes will they feel
through sifting dust life and dreams unreal

in the minds of lustful youth
they've bled and died for much less truth
they've fought hard with nail and tooth
in the end stand off aloof

watched blood moon rise up over the plain
washing bloody red all the farmer's grain
through mirror of steel I've seen the stain
river of thought drives men insane

cool is the currency by which men live
nothing he has so nothing to give
time flowing sifting through sieve
whores got the love and they got the hiv

distant times of future past
still waiting here for final repast
hordes of youth stand off aghast
prophets cry the end at last

FOLD

2006-09-03T14:13:00.000-07:00

lost in a dream of my own making
well I've had better nightmares before
somethin' 'bout yearnin' God's grace
always needin' just a little more

thinkin' 'bout what my future holds
never can be really sure
life is one more chance
to walk through a closed or open door

and they're bankrupt at the end of the rainbow
nothing left no pot of gold
no cards left that I can play
so it's either bluff or I'm gonna fold

well, I know I've crossed the line
too much to hope for I'm told
love, I'm sure is a fine thing
but these feelin's are gettin' old

today I've had my fill of vice
too much coffee too many smokes
too much time listening to lies
all the twisted truths I spoke

and they're bankrupt at the end of the rainbow
nothing left no pot of gold
no cards left that I can play
so it's either bluff or I'm gonna fold

2006-08-23T14:20:00.000-07:00

I was in the rocker
you were in the chair
sharin' a fire
and souls to bare
talked about the good times
silent on the bad
talked about the times
we used to have
Bailey's in the glass
and blanket 'round my feet
golden silences full
and sweet

you're still my girl
that'll never change
best things in life
always stay the same
never wanna leave ya
never wanna quit
life without you
can't imagine it

cat by the fire
furry and fat
don't know much
but I like 'em like that
christmas tree lights
holy and white
in your eyes saw the firelight
been through a lot
been through the fire
been through the changes
in heart's desire
many more years
as friends to go
how many more years
no way to know

you're still my girl
that'll never change
best things in life
always stay the same
never wanna leave ya
never wanna quit
life without you
can't imagine it

2006-08-23T14:16:00.000-07:00

home was a house in the middle of a field
hell was always waitin' for next year's yield
to be gold
farmin' is for the old
cows are lowing and the sun is sinkin'
sun's still up and the farmer is drinkin'
daughter's are lonely and mama's weepin'
ain't much left what the locust haven't eaten
son's are leavin' and the rain don't fall
stones tumble off the barnyard wall
barbed wire rusts and the grass grows high
cold wind scuttles clouds across the sky
yesterday's plowing ain't never done
praying for rain and cursing sun
crops whither and the dust bowl blows
farmers reap what the farmers sows
grass whithers and the flowers fade
gettin' bills that can never be paid

Wild Blue Yonder

2006-07-26T04:54:00.000-07:00

Waves were lapping on the shore
you were wadin' in your feet
hopin' your toes would find
someone out there to meet

out there
in the wild blue yonder
out there
where other souls wander

tidal waves were crashing down
up on the rocky shore
hearts and souls of men were found
but you longed for something more

you looked out there
in the wild blue yonder
out there
where you long to wander

you stood your ground against the wind
surrounded by the sea
I tried to save you from the waves
but you're forever lost to me

you went out there
to the wild blue yonder
out there
where your soul can wander

ASSASSIN

2006-06-30T11:34:00.000-07:00

I walked beside her in slow shuffling tread knowing what destruction my feet would take me to, and my eyes, my fingers, my full embrace along the way. With baited breath, I waited for our first savage embrace: flesh on flesh, her stomach thrust against mine, eyes daggers and painful needles, her mouth a shot glass of poison. I would drink, and with one hand, she’d caress my face, and with the other, would count my ribs, find the third one down with murderous fingers, and they’d plot my demise. And my hands would be helpless; one clutched in the small of her back, keeping her pressed against me, the other searching her hair at the base of her neck. Oh, how deadly the tango!
Yes, I walked beside her, confident I knew my end, knew where the night and my secret would take us, and knew I’d be lying in some cobblestone street bathed in street lamp blood by dawn, luxuriating in my slow painful death of the hours before. Never has one gone so gladly to his death. What a way to begin life after all the years before of mere silent hostility from her; my lover, my assassin.

SECRET

2006-06-30T11:33:00.000-07:00

Came to your lips
and had my fill
In your bed
I lost my will
Secrets bound up
in my tongue
Breathless kiss
sucked from my lung
You know I’ll never tell
with tongue on my lips
Hands shackled
around your hips
Keeping you pressed there
pulling away
Once had secrets
now nothing left to say
There’s no reason
to use a word
When nothing can describe
what can never be heard

fade

2006-06-24T14:15:00.000-07:00

it was just a whisper
whisper in my mind
I thought you saud you loved me
it was all a lie
you're lying in the cold ground
frozen in time
I thought you might stay with me
but you were not alive
when at last I held you
held you in my arms
I swore I would protect you
and keep you from harm
sometimes you looked at me
I never knew why
you once were full of life
and now you just die
I tried to get you back again
you could not stay
you sleep with me in my bed
but fade at break of day
thought you'd like to linger
linger for awhile
but you march to a different drum
hell's rank and file

surf summer

2006-06-24T14:02:00.000-07:00

it was the summer of love
it was the summer of heat
the girls on the beach
looked indiscreet
I was a surfer boy
with long blonde hair
and a look in my face like I didn't care
well this surfer girl
stands with a board in her hand
she's born of the wave
and not of the land
and her wet suit clings
in just the right way
got a look in her eyes
that asks me to play
down on the boardwalk
the girls ride by
watching boys on the beach
and us surfer guys
but you don't have to chase 'em
because we know
where all the hotties are
and where surfer chics go

long way from home

2006-06-24T13:58:00.000-07:00

I'm a long way from home
and I don't have no money
a long way from home
so far away from honey

I miss her smile
I miss the way she looks at me
I miss the way she kisses me
and lets me know how much she loves me

I've been gone so long
the days keep passing by
tired so long
with each day I wanna cry

I'm out here in this world alone
no one left to call my own
still have this memory of her
days passing by in a blur

I've been gone so long
I'm just a weary traveler
tired so long
just a world wide rambler

but I miss her arms
and the way they encircle me
I miss the way she laughs with me
and shows me how to smile

the storm

2006-06-24T13:51:00.000-07:00

there is a storm
that I see
in the sky
it seems to come for me
is it my destiny
some future prophecy

as I stand and watch
lightening cracks the sky
thunder fills the clouds
raindrops pierce the air

I can't run away
I can't go or stay
I'm rooted to the spot
pain is all I've got

I turn with the others
I turn and run inside
I find a place to hide
hiding from the storm deep inside

can I outrun a storm
that's near and close to me
or will I full of folly race
through the winds of time

I can't run away
I can't go or stay
I'm rooted to the spot
pain is all I've got

so I set my face against it
the storm is swirling round
somewhere I find my courage
though I dare not make a sound

when at last it comes
I'm completely unafraid
through the wind and rain
my feet begin to wade

oblivion

2006-06-24T13:39:00.000-07:00

it's nine thirty-eight and who gives a damn
my eyes are heavy but I don't think I can
slip away
to oblivion
skies are grey
at oblivion
I feel so drained
I think you know the feeling
bouncing off the walls
then you're staring at the ceiling
can't shake this depression
it's raining but not like before
my mind is wandering
right out the door
I'm not content to just sit here
I'm not afraid to embrace fears
so why am I crying now
is there something I missed
heard your voice on the phone
you sounded pissed
I know I need to go
to oblivion
skies are grey
at oblivion
we sat for awhile on the fence
I know you like that metaphor
you were watching the sun set
that was all there was nothing more
no one cares about the wine you've been given
I often wonder if there's a better life worth livin'
I need to take it down
to oblivion
skies are grey
at oblivion

REVENGE OF THE MANNEQUIN

2006-06-24T13:29:00.000-07:00

she looks so sexy standin' there
her pants unzipped I see her underwear
with eyes closed tight I cannot feel
what may be fake and what is real

she's a mannequin posed for my pleasure
she's a mannequin I can kiss her at my leisure

I come in close she doesn't move
I kiss her lips they're oh so smooth
she's a little stiff but I don't mind
there's no other hot chic I can find

she's a mannequin posed for my pleasure
she's a mannequin I can kiss her at my leisure

her face is cold her flesh is stone
there's no substitute for flesh and bone
and her eyes well they're hard and bright
I could be wrong but there may be spite

she's a mannequin posed for my pleasure
she's a mannequin I can kiss her at my leisure

then she takes me by the hair
face to face I'm in her glare
she shows me a finger with a sharp red nail
now it's really time to bail
but I can't escape her grasp
mannequins gather to kick my ass

she's a mannequin posed for my pleasure
she's a mannequin I can kiss her at my leisure

I've learned my lessen now I know
really hot mannequins aren't just for show
so when I pass her display case
I'll stop to smash her plastic face

she's a mannequin posed for my pleasure
she's a mannequin I can kiss her at my leisure

2006-06-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

last night I cried
this is not a poem
last night I cried
I cried to my father, because there was no one else to cry to
not my earthly father, who could never understand fully why
I have a habit of crying to my lovers
or not crying at all
bottling it all up inside
trying to be tough, I guess, trying to do it all myself
maybe that's what God wanted
even when things are great in my life
He wanted to be near to me
and wanted me to want to be near to Him
to cry to Him even over the small stuff in my life
in life, I feel as though I can take it most of the time
I can take a ball to the chest
I can lift a machine gun and spray
the hardest thing in the world, though, is to pray
it says I have a need I can't fill
and God wants to help even in the things I want
That's what makes Him God
to live for and love God is to be an enemy of the world
but I want to be cool
that's my confession
maybe to be uncool is to be completely humble, completely radical
people look at you weird when you say Jesus, but not in a curse
maybe to be radical is to be completely weak
and let God's strength course through you
never understood till now
those scriptures about dying
you've got to die and that's the scariest thing I can think of
physical death is easy it's so quick, so painless
to surrender your spirit, that takes time, consistency
it's everything I've never done
not sure what road this'll take me down
there's certain things I read in scripture though, that make sense
like not having a home
giving riches to the poor
healing the sick
preaching the gospel
doing spiritually violent things
isn't that what it's all about
and people tell me that it's not how the world works today
to give up lands houses families for His name's sake
are your houses and lands too comfortable for you?
are you too satisfied with what you've got?
I'm not
I'm not satisfied with this mediocrity

Battle

2006-06-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

love is a battleground
I've swung my sword and I've thrown my spear
men die without sound
it's casual arrows of love I fear
whom do I want
whom do I seek
these thoughts find me
when I'm most weak
we're grass before
the mower's blade
once more to the breach
through blood we wade
though many men
have fallen by
we take up pride and have our try
and when flags flown
are trodden down
when love makes a mockery
of men's renown
we retreat like dogs
tail between legs
drink the poison
from the dregs
is there a way
that's more than lust
if there's a way to follow
I know I must

blue collar

2006-06-19T20:03:00.000-07:00

he's been workin' on the metro machine
slowly buildin' someone else's dream
skyscrapers rise and roads divide
no place left for the man to hide
everyday to the nine to five
escape again to crawl out alive
he's been workin' on his broken life
call the kids and the exwife
pop a dinner in the microwave
early to bed and never to shave

Friendly Hobo

2006-06-19T19:45:00.000-07:00

evade the bulls
barkin' in the yard
listen to the cars
humpin' hard
jerk of the car
we're movin' slow
smile from a man
friendly hobo
we're slidin' down the rail
another mile or two
open the can of beans
and hitchhiker stew
ask the man
if he wants to share
he's got a teethy smile
hidden behind his hair
he whips out a bottle
a little bit of jack
take a swig and it burns
like an old timey smoke stack
we talk long
into the night
shinin' on the rails
silver moonlight
how long I asked
have ya been on the train
his hair floated in the wind
like amber waves of grain
I've been wanderin' walkin'
campin' on trails
been divin' on trains
ridin' the rails
for now seems nigh
a decade or so
get the wanderin' foot
and I just go
never had
much luck with life
lost my family
my home and wife
so I ran outta town
never looked back
learned to be in need
but never lack
the Lord provides
a hard lesson to learn
tryin' to be a brother
do a neighbor a good turn
fell asleep listening
to the sound of the wheels
trying to imagine
how the pain might feel

Them Hippie Days

2006-06-19T07:35:00.000-07:00

my father always spoke
with a gleam in his eye
of when he was a hippie
all the times he was high
he told me about the time
of running from the law
hitching down south
all the things that he saw
gettin' jobs on the fly
working for the cash
trippin' smokin' jokin' for sure
and drinkin' till the smash
there's good drugs he said
and then there's the bad
there's do- rights in men as well
and then depressed and sad
he told me of Uncle Ricky
showing up at his door
he'd been robbing Seven Elevens
and another kind of store
southern man almost got 'em down
by choppin' off their hair
when they blew that town
they were glad they were no longer there
mom at home and grammy
raising Jamie kid
my father didn't always remember
all the bad things he did
but Jesus used eching
go west and meet the great man
so they bought a bus and moved out west
it seemed a perfect plan
out to Oregon to meet Kesey
and the merry band
God's got plans you know
we don't always understand

Last Night's War

2006-06-19T07:24:00.000-07:00

as I sit in this silence
many thoughts come to mind
I reach into the stratosphere
to see what I can find

thoughts of love, thoughts of war,
life this tragedy
all the thoughts I used to have
of what she meant to me

many men have fallen here
by this dusty wayside
I'm hoping I can reveal
what others thought best to hide

here's my heart, here's my soul
here's everything I am
written on this bloddy page
to a certain quiet lamb

you know my thoughts my fantasies
my deep burning desire
you know what truth is in me
even when I am a liar

so take my heart and make it new
I know I need to be clean
give me faith that's unbroken
even though I've never seen

The Good Audience

2006-06-17T17:56:00.000-07:00

I know you love me I can tell
when you look in my eyes and listen well
so let me tell you deepest fears
as flowing down my crystal tears

streak on porcelain lines on cheek
battle for my soul when I'm feeling weak
when darkness falls and I'm afraid
of skeletons in closets wrong choices I've made

no on comforts no one to hold
no gentle touch to make me bold
when the daylight reels in
I've taken up my cross I've lain down the pen

stagger helpless into the street
more lost souls out there to meet
feel so nervous as I take the stage
control the hate control the rage

2006-06-17T17:49:00.000-07:00

They say time is a lonely man
Broken hearted broken plans
expectations handed down
unrealized dreams where are they found

we die a little every day
words on tongues no courage to say
they stuck it to the man and they struck him down
steel cross and barbed wire crown

I've got no words and I've got no chords
no secret weapon to stop the hordes
barbarians; these foreign invaders
we've got no love but they've got the haters

they're hoping you'll give 'em ground
screams of prophets that they've drowned
freedom calls where are the men
from chains and whips we must defend

I don't need your money schemes
men are dying from broken dreams
women trying to be the man
we don't need that because we can

Breakup

2006-06-04T18:54:00.000-07:00

when all my life has passed me by
boil me down was me but a lie
in a secret chamber of my mind
I asked you to stay by my side
there was no secret nothing to confide
in your eyes I saw your reply

I don't need you to be my girlfriend
but I wanna know when does the world end
I'm not defined by the way you make me feel
if there's one thing that's true is love is a wheel
stalking like a thief it comes around
comes from behind kills without a sound

through this world searched far and wide
nothing mattered when alone I died
so melancoly she sighed
she asked me to forget
I lied
I always remembered
when measured against these
lonely days of mine
I poured her glass of wine
straight from the vein straight from the vine
blurr on the freeway missed the sign
and it was over end of the line

2006-05-25T04:37:00.000-07:00

flowing fountain
chipping clay
lips mouthing words
what do they say
no breath of life
no breath of God
prophet and priest
with this tangled ephod
lamplight burning
though growing dim
spirit of the prophets
or fleshly whim
is it me in my heart
or is it him
searching high, stooping low
sensing the punches
feeling the blow
seasons of love seasons of pain
from more seasons fully abstain
cast the vision
interpret His Will
save the people
or have my fill
always struggle
always aware
this war we face
a strange nightmare
are we holy
set apart
are we men
after God's own heart

my insecurities

2006-05-25T04:30:00.000-07:00

I watch the world through superior eyes
I often tell truths yet more often lies
I have to feel better cuz no one feels for me
I take a look in the mirror and see a man much better than me
I'm hard on myself I often critique
the way I wear my hair or misshappen physique
I used to believe I didn't care
but that isn't true not even fair
will girls like me will guys respect
is that why I'm always introspect
but in other ways too I'm haughty and proud
when things don't go my way I'm under a cloud
like when this attitude don't serve me well
feels like I've fallen down some circle of hell

love apocalypse

2006-05-16T20:22:00.000-07:00

see your face in the sky and sand
wanna kiss your lips
but I took it for granted
this raging apocalypse
man you smell of fear
love is walking near
the only thing to fear
is love walking near to me

they say love is holy love is pure
but never that it can contain
feelings I know ebb and flow
but never remain the same
desire breeds contempt
I thought I was exempt
feelings ebb
and feelings flow away

lips chapped and cracking dry
like the desert floor
I never wanted to walk this road
or open up this door
look what love has cost
innocense is lost
I never want
to walk this road again

Waiting For Old Faithful

2006-05-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

Here's a picture of my brother and my dad as we waited for "Old Faithful" to erupt. As it turns out, "Old Faithful" wasn't so faithful, afterall.

SAFE

2006-05-01T18:46:00.000-07:00

Susie kissed me in fifth grade
I
didn't know what she wanted
Rachael gave me a tongue to miss
and a touch that left me haunted
I didn't know they thought I was safe
only knew
what I craved
all the girls wished for in my bed
leave me somewhere in my head
they're all the same
but I forget them when I'm unashamed
there's no guilt to trip
but a fractured heart bleeding lip

2006-05-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

First thing in the morning
I feel you beside me
and your touch
is way too much
for me
can't you see
we both will grieve
when what we weave
lies broken
can you believe
these tender lies we've spoken
everything lies six feet under
lightning blinks rain and thunder
shattered dreams of yours and mine
drawn in the sand battle lines
where once was holy and once was pure
what's undefiled left unsure
there was a time could of seen
where did it end what was redeemed

Times of the Same

2006-05-01T18:28:00.000-07:00

I found my real name
letters spelled no change
but in my heart didn't sound the same
there was a door
no lock no knob no key
but inside it meant much more to me
and there I passed through
like so many before
insight into my mind I'd find
and maybe even more
woices heralded times of change
I cried tears of shame
remembering past deeds
names like live at leeds
meant something
felt more in tune
but it was their own doom
they tried to sing
people that stood for something
like a wedding ring
they spoke of vows and fighting for a cause
society on speed there was no pause
and like times past they passed too
they grew old
and now things they once believed
seemd no longer true
did things get better did things improve
nothing else was cool
slipped out of their groove
but my name changed
letters lined up in a row
never rearranged
I don't return by the way I go

shock to the system

2006-04-23T19:35:00.000-07:00

well it's a shock to the system
when it tumbles down
didn't see it coming
on the way to the ground
it's left the world gasping
the old man's voice is rasping
and through the eyes of elders you may see
what the world it means to me
it's through the eyes of you and youth
shell shocked soldiers feel the truth
we're one step closer to the brink
like water disappearing down the sink
does it make you fearful to see the fall
pricked up ears hear the clarion call
God watches through His sea of glass
knows the future, now, and past
elders prostrate before the throne
best laid plans of mice and men are blown
astounded we see the end has come
strikes the prophets deaf and dumb
raise weary arms in victory
Jesus coming to set ya free

Drug Scene

2006-04-20T15:05:00.000-07:00

I wrote this today- cpmpletely tongue in cheek, by the way. I'm not saying I wanna do these drugs, completely the opposite, but I'm showing how ludacris the drug scene is.

If I had a line a cocaine
I'd snort it through my nose
follow the white line inside my head
to where the hell no one knows

If I had some heroin
I'd shoot it in my vein
orgasmic silence to revel in
and thoughts that drive insane

Come on, let's trip
shoot from the hip
I just want to get high
let's do the deed
smoke some weed
sprout some wings and fly

if there's one thing I'd wanna try
it'd be LSD
acid they say is the wonder drug
it'll truly set ya free

and talkin 'bout free
there's ectasy
the drug of choice for sure
when you're done trippin', man,
you'll always come back for more

Come on, let's trip
shoot from the hip
I just want to get high
let's do the deed
smoke some weed
sprout some wings and fly

Room For Doubt

2006-04-20T05:56:00.000-07:00

I've got this fear
I'm not in love with the real you
you shed a tear
not sure just what to do
are ya fakin' while we're makin' out
kiss me again as if there's room for doubt
you look me in the eye
is there truth in there
or just some dirty lie
but you touch me as if to assure
what you dangle is not a lure
we're hot and heavy
broken through the levy
the other side of the live

Smurthwait Formal: Friday Night

2006-04-11T15:04:00.000-07:00

Here's a pic of some of my peeps. Me and my buddy Jeff were at a formal dance at residence hall Smurthwaite(I call it Smurphwaite). We didn't know it was formal, but we were invited and had a kick but time anyway. Beside me is Alecia, Ethan, some guy whom I don't remember, and Jessica. Oww! Hot stuff! We grooved to some tune-age but I was fairly done at that point because I had run eight miles that morning, so I left at about eleven thirty. Walking across their lawn, I stepped in some doggy poo. Good times!

Proverbs: By Noel Lewis

2006-04-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

A man who does not discipline his children throws them to the lions.

A well tended household is like a weeded and watered garden: it will bear much fruit.

A well trained horse requires only gentle pressure to turn it.

Children that are not disciplined well often beget more undisciplined children.

A man lacking courage hibernates through life.

REST IN PEACE

2006-04-10T05:42:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, I need some prayer right now. I just found out this morning that one of my buddies from Iraq was killed in action Saturday. He was a really cool guy, and he and I did quite a few missions together. Devora, you will be missed.

2006-04-08T10:27:00.000-07:00

I see you there with you clever disguise
I see something hidden behind your eyes
something even you cannot conceal
something that's true and all too real
I see it in you and people passing by
it rears it's head in a bald faced lie
you're over there huddled and tense
can't make up your mind what doesn't make sense
afraid of the truth afraid of the light
wonderin' if black is sometimes white
the seams of the world startin' to rip
the mask on your face beginning to slip
as you step out of your cage
guys and girls who never act their age

6AM

2006-04-03T20:32:00.000-07:00

Dawn light finds me still awake
things on my mind so I sleep forsake
in the dark let me tears run and flow
in the light dry my face so no man knows
some are not afraid to wear hearts on sleeves
give it to you all get no reprieve
is such honesty remotely fair
when the truth might be more than you can bare
you think "it's him, he's feeling base"
take what I feel shove it in your face
I've got this heart that never wants to heal
ten times the punch ten times the feel
can you dig me in times when moods do swing
up in the clouds then depression fling
I admit I can be a dick
eyes of steel thick as a brick
but my broken heart is known to bleed
and my supple frame bends like a reed

The Courier

2006-03-13T18:04:00.000-08:00

FADE IN:

INT. A MORGUE – NIGHT

Double doors open with a burst and a bloodied man stumbles in, crashes against the wall, trying desperately to stay upright, clutching at his stomach.

POINTER (V.O.)
They call 'em DOA's at the hospital. Dead on Arrival. It wouldn't have taken a medical student to know he didn't have much time left...

The man desperately tries to stay upright.

POINTER (V.O
...And he came to the right place.

POINTER is a young man in a white lab coat with his back to the doors attending to a corpse on a gurney, tying a toe tag. He turns and sees the man, now almost upon him.

The man grabs him, almost falling over so that Pointer has to keep him upright, or at least from hitting the floor. The man grabs Pointer’s head, and begins to whisper painfully in the throes of death.

LIPS and POINTER’S EAR as the man whispers.

POINTER(V.O.)
They say dead men tell no tales. But he had a doozy of a tale that I didn't want to believe at that point. Intrigue, murder, and the apocalypse.

The man takes Pointer’s hand in a bloody hand and puts an object into Pointer’s hand and closes the fingers firmly around it.

The man looks into Pointer’s eyes.

Pointer nods understandingly.

The man slips away.

He falls limp.

Pointer checks the man's pockets.

Nothing.

POINTER(V.O.)
I didn’t even know his name.

Pointer tears his eyes away from the dead body and looks at the object in his hand.

It’s a GOLD LEAF, slightly curled, still bloody from the stranger’s hand.

POINTER(V.O.)
Dead men don't have reason to lie. Especially to complete strangers. But what he wanted from me was unthinkable. I was to take the leaf to the Israeli consulate. My life would be in danger.

Pointer reaches down and uncovers the man’s stomach.

POINTER(V.O.)
I’d seen enough gunshot wounds in the mortuary to know. Blood led credence to the man’s words. But what the man had said just seemed so impossible.

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOUBLE DOORS

A set of SHOES walks towards the doors.

POINTER

He looks up wildly as he hears the footsteps approach.

POINTER(V.O.)
No time to ponder anymore. Time to face the music, or run like hell.

Pointer drops the body and stands and begins backing away as the footsteps grow louder. Just seconds now.

POINTER(V.O.)
I never liked music anyway.

He begins to run, sprinting away from the double doors.

THE DOUBLE DOORS

Burst open and the feet walk in and pause at the body.

The feet continue on, following after Pointer.

EXT. SIDE DOOR - NIGHT

The door bursts open, and Pointer walks out at a brisk pace.

Streetlights bathe the night in mysterious foggy glow.

POINTER
I walked out into the night. The dark side of the moon. Someone was tailing me.

Love By My Side

2006-03-13T17:50:00.000-08:00

I'm lookin for some validation
I'm lookin for some affirmation
I'm not a fool
I can play it cool
come to me and have a drink
I'm lookin for a subtle thing
to make it seem all right
hold me through the night
and when the morning comes there's you by my side
my heart onto your soul it's me and you open wide
can you love me in my constant pain
the sting of love is such a stain
you know it's true
just the thought of you
I'm lookin for love that's real
but in the touch do you know how to feel
it's the psychic plague
the place where all hearts break
my beating heart says love's untrue
it stops because of you
I need you baby to be by my side
your heart onto my soul it's you and I open wide
in looking for love that's full
did you settle on the painful
whisper you love me as you look my way
something you said compels me to stay
try to see around the bend
when love's a lonely wind
heart kept under lock and key
revealed to you and me

2006-02-05T16:48:00.000-08:00

Apparently, my pirate name is Dread Pirate Flint.

DISCREET INVESTIGATIONS

2006-02-05T15:52:00.000-08:00

FADE IN:

INT. A BEDROOM - DAY

A MAN lies in bed asleep, his arm stretched out to the empty bed beside him.

He wakes up.

TOM(V.O.)
Discreet investigations. It's a lonely job. Seems like I should be sleeping next to a woman right now. Way back in my head there's a memory of someone. Can't remember her name. Can't even remember when I was with her.

He gets out of bed.

His feet find slippers and he walks to be bathroom and has a piss.

INT. BATHROOM - SAME

He faces the pisser and on the wall next to the mirror is a duct taped up picture of him in bed with a woman. He looks at it.

TOM(V.O.)
I've given her a name though. Clara. That name with that face is gotta be the prettiest gal I've ever clapped eyes on. And I've seen a lot in my time.

He finishes and steps out and begins to dress. He scatched his ass and puts on some jeans. Pulls out a smoke and lights up.

TOM(V.O.)
Gotta hate the downtime. When I'm not on the job, I'm a lousy human being. When I'm on the job I'm not much better, but at least my hands are busy. Idle hands are the devil's playground, With me, you can take that litterally.

CLOSE UP of an OLD FASHIONED PHONE RINGING

A hand picks it up.

TOM
Yeah?

VOICE
Tom. Gotta job for you. You interested?

TOM
Always.

EXT. A DOWN TOWN LOW LIFE STREET - DAY

Tom walks down the street in a long overcoat, smoking a cigarette.

TOM(V.O.)
There's a reason for my memory lapse. I run a discreet investigations business. The kind of clients I attract are the kind of low life scum that need someone of my talents but the peace of mind a dead man with secrets can offer. And you know what they say about dead men and tales.
So I got hooked up with some brain doctor that offered to wipe my memory upon the completion of each job. Just the nasty little secrets I happen to uncover. The side effects mean I don't remember other parts of my present life. Like who Clara is. So the doc gets an A plus for the wipe jobs and a fist in the teeth for the rest of it. Trouble is, I don't remember who he is. But if I find him, he's in trouble.

EXT. DINER - DAY

TOM walks up to this seedy 24 hour diner.

INT. DINER - SAME

Tom walks to a booth with another MAN sitting there and sits across from him.

WAITRESS
Help ya sugar?

TOM
Sure baby, coffee. Black.

He turns to the man in front of him, pulls out a pack of smokes, a zippo, and a business card and slides the business card over while lighting up.

TOM
The name's Tom. Tom Kemp. I run discreet investigations. Heard you needed a job done.

The man eyes the card and Tom, sets the card down and leans forward. He opens his mouth and...

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

Tom wakes up.

TOM(V.O.)
That's the crazy life of discreet investigations.

I have a history of waking up in strange rooms. Memory of how I got there gone, I've left myself clues as to what I'm supposed to be doing. It's not enough to say I run a "discreet investigations" business. Secrecy is a must for the sort of clientel my line of work attracts, so I offer to wipe my memory of them and the investigation to keep their secrets secret. To be very honest, I don't really know what sort of clients I keep. I have a handler that interfaces with my clients and then contacts me anonymously. My memory of my handler has been erased. Memory wipes are tricky things. Relatively new technology, sometimes other centers of my memory are wiped as well. I can't tell you much about myself. I'm thirty-two years old and I'm in love with a girl. All I've got is a photograph. At least, I think I'm in love with her. When I look at the photograph, she makes me feel safe. She feels like home. I don't even know her name. The only way I know I've met her is that in the picture I'm laying beside her on a bed, my arm around her neck. We're smiling.

Friday Night

2006-01-30T14:37:00.000-08:00

end of the night
are you satisfied
all so temporary
and you look at me
through eyes of a thief
soaked as I am in grief
still begging for more
legs spread whore
i give myself away
black and white is grey
yesterday i should have died
cold and alone in the leaves I cried
leaves were prayers I lay upon
curses hurled sanity gone
a perfect example of how to love
the plan that came down from above
try to follow at times in vain
swallow hard shed tears of latter rain

DAVID

2006-01-19T10:43:00.000-08:00

love in silence love in stone
replaced a shape that was once flesh and bone
pearls before the swine
out there for the world to see
take my glass of wine
I cannot drink now is spite of me
man doesn't live by water and bread
but what feeds our hearts and our head
seems to come alive
unposes from the pedestal
at the point we now arrive
without him there the world seems dull

2006-01-19T10:31:00.000-08:00

no one knows just what's inside of me not even me knows how to set me free I'm a slave to how I feel face is cold and eyes full of steel wouldn't you know I feel so unlovable you're lookin' at me in a way that's sexual but I never make my move and with some other guy you groove I see you together entwined in bed he may be by your side but I'm inside your head I can't seem to get over this side of myself like you and my love somewhere up on a shelf can I set me aside are you taking me for the proverbial ride I don't dig this party mood shut in a corner I brood you say to lighten up so I have a drink eight more shots lost all time to think room spinning lost in time and space fifty times around counted your face my vision of you is blurred saying something to you words are slurred I think I'm saying I love you he's laughing in your ear yeah screw him too I'm leaning over your car trunk feel so sick am I really that drunk is this the lighter side you wanted to see in someone's yard gotta have a pee wandering in a familiar suburbia Matt's by your side he won't let go of ya let's go home man but you don't listen stars in the sky like daggers they glisten we walk by a couple makin' out by a tree I look at you you look at me yeah that could be us find out we're lost we wait for the bus pass out later in your apartment all arms and legs can't remember where we went it's been said that lust is like love it blows but the french say that's life man that's how it goes

2006-01-14T22:26:00.000-08:00

With a sigh we say the end is nigh but did we think even with feet on the brink crystal definition aimed at revelation look through God's sea of glass end of the test did I fail or pass through the gulf of time and space Christ's hand across the ages to reach your face the end is near is it already here is this the way it looked when John wrote his book when the beast rises out of the sea does he have some resemblence to you and me the time is now don't ask me how I know time is short an army surrounding a small fort long ago this was fortold from ancient days times of old in the end when warriors young but weak raise arms in victory and prophets speak of things no longer future but now in the past and we can all lie together lions and lambs at last when tears are dry already shed and no more blood has to be bled when wars and worries have all gone away when night once and forever surrenders to day this is the end I see when slaves of evil are finally free Satan in darkness wrapped in chains righteous saints clothed in robes unstained
all praise to the Highest Lord of all Who had a plan from before the fall calling all sinners from the young and the old come back to the Shepherd come back to the fold

Lovers in Night

2006-01-12T15:06:00.000-08:00

The day is done,
so long the sun;
the eye of night closes fast
and the darkness ends our day at last.
When my head on its pillow makes a nest
our bodies entwined find their rest.
When dew drops form their crystal tears,
you whisper "sweet dreams, my love," in my ears.
I fall into a dreamlit wondrous sleep
where Summer is warm and willows weep.
There too I find you by my side,
and in deepest lovers embrace confide.
Your lips, your touch, your beating heart
wordless on me your love impart.
Though in darkened sleep my heart may ache,
I'll find you again in my arms when I wake
and hear you whisper "sleep well, my dear?"
I remember shared summer days and waters clear.
Hearing how we shared the night,
you kiss me deeply till dawn's first light.
Our touch and kiss transport us once more
to that distant, sunny, dreamlit shore,
where again wordless we speak of our love
as the sun in her sky shines down from above.

From Dust

2005-12-23T07:10:00.000-08:00

The gate swings open like before
the spongy earth popping under my silken feet
I trod delicately, bending no grass, breaking no flowers,
searching somewhere in the leaves like memories fallen down
for one single impression; my first mark on life:
a footprint in the mud.

There's one set in stone frozen in time
but not on the ground.
The foot is small, the toes are clever.
They once tied knots or pressed into the dust
to push the merry-go-round.
Around time has come again full circle back to me
back to my distant memories.

Has it been so long that I've forgotten
that little peice of innocence that once was mine?
But I remember in that spring air
with peircing blue eyes I saw the truth,
my humble beginnings.
In the footprint, in the mud, I saw myself.
From dust, I came.

Judges 2:17

2005-12-18T16:44:00.000-08:00

Yet they would not listen to their judges, but they played the harlot with other gods, and bowed down to them.

Secret Rooms

2005-12-18T16:37:00.000-08:00

Got a room in my heart for my secret obsession
but you come on over to teach me a lesson
you knock on the door I let you in
not a room full of furniture but a room full of sin
there's certain rooms, though where I don't want you to be
I'm scared of the things inside you may see
I haven't been there myself in years
behind every door lie my greatest fears
you don't ask but you demand my soul
you want to take up the chief and kingly role
can I get away with a few secret rooms
even though behind every door evil looms
there's no room for second best in my heart
you want all of me each and every part
I may have surrendered to you just a little faster
if I hadn't been so used to being my own master

2005-12-18T16:36:00.000-08:00

John the Baptist rode a harley.

Thanksgiving from a Bum

2005-11-27T19:31:00.000-08:00

What do you know
about life on the street
with the scarf 'round your neck
and the socks on your feet
I been down here everyday
naked as I came
knowing that when we go
we'll all look the same
is this the plan
that came down from above
one day is all we get
to share in your love
and the other days are when
you can safely ignore
cuz feeding the homeless all the time
gets to be a chore
you can go home at night
feeling safe in your bed
while Christ on his throne
is seeing bright red
all the blood that he shed
I beg you and implore
not to give up on the homeless,
the sick, and the poor
"Did you feed me on earth?"
He'll ask as ya stand before His throne
"Did you comfort the widow,
throw a dog a bone"?
Be sure to know
by way you'll make reply
dot every T,
cross every i
cuz the Master, He sees
and knows what's in your head
was your faith the real deal,
or without works dead?

2005-11-21T18:15:00.000-08:00

2005-11-21T17:44:00.000-08:00

The Dreamer

2005-11-21T17:21:00.000-08:00

The young man lay in bed
dark thoughts ran through his head
he spent a restless, sleepless night
while the evil images he had to fight

and they were nightmares, baby
unpleasant dreams in the night
nightmares, baby

in his many dreams
reality wasn't what it seemed
kings fought many bloody wars
with clowns jokers judges and whores

the anger stayed inside him
his mood was always grim
he wanted to sleep
but he knew that's when nightmares creep

when the young man woke
you know he hardly spoke
he went about his day
but nary a word did he say

he picked up a little gun
he looked into the sun
he put it to his head
he woke up in his bed

2005-11-06T16:10:00.000-08:00

Terry Town

2005-10-31T06:05:00.000-08:00

There's a place I know called Terry Town
thinkin' 'bout it now just brings me down
it's a small town anytown USA
but the kinda small town where you don't wanna stay
In Terry Town I stayed for a week
torch weilding hunter mobs called me a freak
so I tore off my shoes and I shook off the dust
got the wanderin' foot and other town's lust
the good ole boys ran me out on a rail
I slipped away unnoticed in some dirty haybale
I slept like a hobo in a siding car
thumbed for a ride near some honky tonk bar
some farmer's daughter caught my eye
she was on the outskirts of Terry Town waving bye bye
to some soldier boy with his hair cut short
he was headin' back home to some station or fort
In Terry Town, I guess life goes on
I'm on my way now, I'm as good as gone
wanderin', walkin', onward I roam
always in some search of a place to call home

Tree in Autumn

2005-10-31T06:03:00.000-08:00

winter wind strips you naked
you shiver in the cold
tattered clothes lie all around
bare bones make you look old

Who is this Man?

2005-10-31T05:53:00.000-08:00

Who is this man now dyin' on a tree
while mobs of men surround him mockingly
my presence here I know is a test
will I remain silent or cry out with the rest
will I miss the point as I drive home another nail
will this remain an allegory of the many times I fail
will I drape his brow in inch long thorns
will I fold my arms in the face of those who mourn

Who is this man now hanging from a limb
does He have some purpose there or was it born of a whim
some people believe He's the Son of God
I know for some that thought strikes them odd
He's just a man if He never comes again
and I'll still be here with unforgiven sin
is there hope in believing in something so absurd
worshipping another man and believing in His word

2005-10-31T05:52:00.000-08:00

Vanity, vanity,
oh vile beast
with what spear
shall I make thee disceased?

The Worst Case Scenario of the Atomic Bomb

2005-10-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

I'm the worst case scenario of the atomic bomb
I learned long ago how to explode
I'm armed to go
my thoughts implode
I cannot care now
no not ever
you left me here
wasn't it one day true
was the time I spent with you a farce
was it a surprise attack when you showed up at my door
you presented me the flag of surrender for me to fly outside my window
you never told me the truth
you never told a lie
you didn't tell me anything I didn't already know
I'm armed to blow
I destory it all
what remains is nothing
that bleakness of the soul when you've smoked one too many cigarettes
when your throat burns like your heart
your voice sounds like an old man
some lonely cowboy
you drive your point home
this dagger in my heart
what is left that's worthy
I find myself screaming and spitting, spewing foam
it's a condition of the heart called agony
there's no cure but to die alone
with walls of oppression you keep me at bay
I'm tired of besieging you
you hide in your bomb shelter
hoarding your canned goods
will it be enough to see you through
give in to me without a fight
I'll blow up the moon tomorrow
we can dance in its ashes
we'll fall into the ocean of some bed
we'll make love in numbness
we don't dare feel that bliss
or the emptiness of that last kiss
the ticking in my head is that my heart
the final countdown to the end of the world
I could do it that's what I tell myself
no one would notice
no one would give a shit
they call that camoflage
the atomic barrage
this is my solution to it all
to diffuse
to refuse
to end the war on myself
beware the flag of peace
stuck in your head now, it looks quite stupid
would you let your enemy piss on your grave
can the cowardly suddenly become brave
I'm sick of your cold indifference
warmth in summer cold in winter
are you blown by the winds of the seasons
bombs like myself lie in wait
we the stalk the cities of other people's lives
and go off when all are sleeping
we strive to turn laughter into weeping
is anyone out there listening
it's the voice on the radio
crying out in the darkness of your wilderness
the eating locust hack calling everyone out
yeah you, you self righteous pretenders
you call yourself the Christ-bringer
you say you represent
now I know my mission
I've come to war against your senses
to drive you to weariness when everything is lost
to bring no relief when you need rest
so you wanna love me
try loving me when I'm blowing you apart
when the hope of love is gone
when the word love no longer exists
because you used it too frequently
the word itself became meaningless
feelings you had became inexpressible
can you love me with your silhouette burned into the wall
with your clothes plastered on your skin
the inadequate skin you wear
it could not save you
someone else had to die for you to live
that concept applies to all of us
even me, the bomb, set to explode
all my thoughts implode
oh man, you'll be worried about me now
you'll call and ask how I am
but you didn't call before, so did you ever really care at all
you left me to feel all of this like it was all part of your grand experiment
you pretend fathers and mothers, sister and brothers
you pretend friends of mine
one more line
the bomb in his head is ticking
when will it go
I can see the hurt I've caused ou
vanity, pride, ambition all revealed
the truth never felt so good
so try to love me now

Dodge the Reaper

2005-09-26T09:42:00.000-07:00

Getting old is hard
dying even harder
some try to run
others try to barter

memory going sour
can you remember my name
only remember shining moments
fleeting all the same

Death is a chessmaster
you see it in his art
you will see it someday
when from this world you part

everyone pays what they owe
no escape from death's tax
try to dodge the reaper
but you still get the axe

Death hovering near
I hear the dying moan
something rending in the air
seperate ghost from bone

Street Corner Prophet

2005-09-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

So many words like wisdom but never takin' hold
pouring forth from your screamin' lips truths that you never sold
standing on the street corner blind men rushing by
tell them love will save them but they decide to live a lie
the world is dyin', let it burn scatter it's ashes from some urn
don't you shed no tears for her don't look back on the way things were
your voice is tired from screaming body's gettin' old and weak
write it on some cardboard words you can no longer speak
the setting sun lets you down where do you turn to sleep
voices crying in your head listen to the dying weep
the world is dyin', let it burn scatter it's ashes from some urn
don't you shed no tears for her don't look back on the way things were
another day dawns in darkness no more reasons to hope
watch the dealer's ply their trade some girl out there sellin' dope
this is the end give it to me baby
fire from the air destroy the world
without a sound armageddon's final dare
the world is dyin', let it burn scatter it's ashes from some urn
don't you shed no tears for her don't look back on the way things were

That Dang Ole Bird

2005-09-24T09:12:00.000-07:00

It's eleven in the morning. I just woke up. Longest time I think I've slept in ever. Awesome. I've had a series of early mornings this week and late nights. Think I just needed to catch up, you know?
Last night started off miserable. I didn't get off the hill till about eight-thirty, which was probably for the best, because then I would have come back early instead of staying out late. not wanting to face an empty room, I think I planned it well so I would be exhausted when I got back. Bought a pack of cigs 'cause I was feeling disreputable and started smoking like a fiend. I don't usually do that. Mostly onesies and twosies, but this was straight chainging it. On the way down the hill, I was listening to Led Zep- boy, they got some songs that describe the hurt in life good, so I was pretty inspired and wrote Peices of Me as I was driving. I'd pull over to the side of the road, click on the light and write a line or two furiously and then move on, blowing smoke the whole time. I didn't know it was over till I actually got back to type it last night and in the editing process, the last line sort of stuck. In life you know/there ain't no frills/it's the axe that falls/but it's love that kills.
So true.
Got down to Radina's right when everyone's making their way to bars- girls with tight ass clothes and guys with an arm around three not looking like they care much. Looking at all those people down there- they all know they're gonna get laid, 'cause it's all on their hearts. Our generation is a bunch of hookers and johns looking for the score. They guys pay with their attention and the girls collect with some sort of emotional cash register. I was sitting there and I couldn't believe my freakin' eyes.
I talked to a few people on the phone, but I wasn't really interested in being comforted. Not then. When you write, sometimes you gotta wallow in filth to find the thing you wanna write about. It was all around me and inside my own heart- the detestable filth of humanity. People being played left and right, seeking evil and finding it, and generally wallowing as I was, reveling as it were as a pig wallows in it's own shit.
I was done. Ready to leave, but not ready to go back. Not yet. Not to that empty room. So I took a walk. Me blowing smoke, walking down bar lane, catching eyes from chicks and dudes alike- who the hell is this guy- not caring about anyone? I passed them all and walked all the way down toward Wal-Mart- some miles and looped around toward the mall and back down Poyntz- which is sort of the old style Main Street here. Mostly empty except for cars heading toward Old Chicago, the bar, or cars coming from, and it was me walking down the road blowing smoke trying to figure out just what the hell I was thinking and feeling. Sometimes I don't even know myself, you know?
Lo and behold, this dang ole bird was trying to fly but something wasn't quite right. Resting in front of the Salvation Army store, it was scared beyond belief, when I, the hulking monster stooped down to watch. Something was so intriguing about the dang ole bird. I let it watch me awhile and I watched it. Beak open, panting hard, legs spread, body quivering. Broken wing, maybe? I reached in real slow and pet it's back with a distended finger and the bird didn't seem to mind. I put my finger down so it could hop on my finger if it so chose. I really wanted it to. I guess I had this thought of me and my bird walking along, me blowing smoke- but at least it wouldn't be just me.
The bird shunned my finger and took flight only to land a few yards down the road at another store, again hurt, shaking and panting. That dang ole bird. Shunning my friendship. I had a thought just then. You can't win them all. Some birds just don't want to be helped. Had another thought. What about you? It was like the voice of God in my head, though maybe it was just my head pretending to be God- it made me think of God and what He might think of me just then as He pet my back and distended His finger toward me with thoughts of walking down the road with me- and I shunned Him, limping off.
That dang ole bird.
I had to sit down and have a think on that one. I sat down in front of the Courthouse and smoked some more and just watched the town and life pass by. When you sit real still and stop thinking and talking to yourself and all the things we do to distract ourselves, you can really see life, man. Saw a few bums creep out of the shadows, walking down the street. Kind of thought of them as night watchmen, angels guarding everything. Cars drove by no one caring, and I couldn't help think about me driving by countless times, music blaring, not knowing what was outside my car, not knowing anyone else's pain- just my own. It's so hard to see over your own walls, afterall.
I sat for about an hour, had some smokes and a cry, and then moved on when I felt I needed to. Went back to my car some miles away and went home. Strange night. Good night.

Man in the Moon

2005-09-20T09:49:00.000-07:00

watched the moon come up
all purple with rage
lookin' down at me
through eyes of a sage
man in the moon
in his golden cage

man in the moon
why the hate
is it that you're stuck there
the same sealed fate
no rest for the weary
always up late

I've been watchin' you
for quite some time
doing what you wanted
like it weren't no crime
livin' your life
the last of your prime

I've been up here
since the dawn of man
I beat down on all
the young, weak, and tan
and I've been watching
your own lifespan

he asks me again
lend me your ear
incline your head
what do you hear
sun and the stars
lamenting your fear

tell me Mr. Moon
what happens in the end
trace my lineage
follow the trend
axe of death
falling to rend

it'll all be over
in a little while
I see heads of the unrighteous
stacked in a pile
others standing near
laughing meanwhile

man in the moon
why so bleak
I tell you the vision
and you call me a freak
like Zacariah
I won't let you speak

The man in his moon
begin to fall
the light diminishes
darkness over all
just a disk in the sky
no end afterall

Thunder Run: Redux

2005-09-11T14:22:00.000-07:00

On yer way back from TQ
yer takin' Rt. 10
some say their prayers
others practice zen
you'll soon be in contact
everyone agrees
small arms, explosions,
maybe RPG's

Thunder run in a five ton truck
bullets start flyin'
yer s@#t outta luck

Hodgies on the road
watcher yer every move
you rock back the .50
got somethin' to prove
some marines were killed here
just last week
song on the speaker
pray words you cannot speak

Thunder run in a five ton truck
bullets start flyin'
yer s@#t outta luck

if you had your way
you would be back home
beer in your hand
with a thick head of foam
but instead yer drivin'
like a bat outta hell
stories like this one
you never can tell

Thunder run in a five ton truck
bullets start flyin'
yer s@#t outta luck

Dirty Girl

2005-09-10T16:12:00.000-07:00

Dirty girl
walkin' down the street
wrinkled clothing
no shoes on her feet
cast outside
on a one night stand
pulls out some smokes
they're not her brand
but she smokes 'em anyway
desperate fingers beg her to pray

She was goin' somewhere
somewhere far away
she was goin' somewhere
but she lost her way
lost her way

dirty girl
another day
no room in the inn
where does she stay
searchin' for
some reason why
as she hooks up
with some other guy
who treats her just the same
she hangs her head in shame

she was goin' somewhere
somewhere far away
she was goin' somewhere
but she lost her way
lost her way

dirty girl
awake in bed
she's not alone
with thoughts in her head
she gave herself
to another man
she don't know
she don't understand
where did it go wrong
she lays there awake till dawn

she was goin' somewhere
somewhere far away
she was goin' somewhere
but she lost her way
lost her way

Lost in the Mix

2005-08-31T14:12:00.000-07:00

Where is my clarity of thinking
was it lost in the mix
I took a few drugs
it was just a quick fix
but I'm lucid now
I walk the line
bitter stomach
my mouth is fine
did I see you in visions
parade of lies
seen through blurry blue
unfocused eyes
wait for mirrors to shatter
and smoke to clear
to find you and me naked
is that your fear
do we both pray
to the same foreign god
think another minute
does that strike you odd
master of all
servant of none
been down that road
a dead end run
so I play my guitar
and sing you a song
open your eyes
and bring you along
dumb blind man
leading the blind
sneaking up beside
and from behind
who knows the truth
when it's so hard to see
and why are the jailed trying to set free
look deep into my eyes
is there a beam
have I woken up
to someone else's dream
what have I become
when everything I feel
just makes me more numb
was it when I decided
to lose a fight
when I succumbed
to the venemous bite
yes I know I'm fully aware
as this dream twists to a new nightmare
I let it take me
down a dark turn
man I'm so stupid
will I ever learn
my view is distorted
it's easy to tell
but on my journey
you might wish me well
wandering the earth
alone I go
much like Cain
wandering to and fro

Curbside Cigarette Girl

2005-08-28T19:21:00.000-07:00

Got my cigarettes and Bible
sittin' on the curb feelin' tribal
we'll open up to Revelation
see how the final battle is won
oh, oh
we'll talk about some times
we had way back when
try to find a way
to be a child again
talk about the future
between you and me
but we'll decide
to wait and see
oh, oh
cuz yer my curbside cigarette girl
cuz yer my curbside cigarette girl
cuz yer my curbside cigarette girl
talkin' 'bout life
you ask what's the point
smoke another cig
cuz you don't have a joint
watching the city
flashing by
time slows down
like when you were high
oh, oh
you tell me that
you're sick of the past
time's flyin' by
a little too fast
but in this moment
you told me so
time's goin' 'round
the way it's 'sposed to go
oh, oh
cuz yer my curbside cigarette girl
cuz yer my curbside cigarette girl
cuz yer my curbside cigarette girl
Got my cigarettes and Bible
sittin' on the curb feelin' tribal
we'll open up to revelation
see how the final battle is won
oh, oh

Seven Days of the Purple Toad

2005-08-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

Seven days in the box of death I rode
after licking the purple toad
three fingered slimy hands and I grew four stories high
conjured a hand from mist as I waved the toad goobye
she floated away again in clouds of yellow rain
fallen tears in my hair couldn't ease my backward pain
I knew then things of her I've forgotten everyday
so many things left unsaid so many more not to say
a green eage floated by past my wandering ear
something it said rang quite true but I didn't have time to hear
whispers of tomorrow when the sun would never dawn
vomit laying pinkish mass upon the crystal lawn
a tenor voice asked me to name the bitter word
some name yet unspoken some sound yet unheard
blood red eyes glared down at me from some foreign cloud
another voice spoke just now it rang in my quite loud
welcome to the land of pain
now the days of lack of latter rain
famine stalks the hearts of great and lesser men
they dig for water now but hit rock bottom again
all night long in the wishing well I thought I'd try to laugh
puple toads kept leaping out from my urine bath
and then the night grew quite dim too dim to try and see
voices arguing in my head but could never or seldom agree
do we kill him now do we spare his life fingers poised on the blade
I ground my teeth into my head it was the sound of earth on spade
seven days I spent in mettle testing trial
some blue eyed doe explained to me I must drink from the golden vial
I tasted poison on my lips as I licked the honey air
some foxes in the meadow close were playing truth or dare
one of them kissed me on the lips I felt a fang bite deep
a proverb came to me in a dream you know you sow what you reap
seven days seemed like seven years had I worked for Laban long
I counted sheep I was seven short something seemd quite wrong
one of these days I told myself I'd wake up from this dream
confront the nightmare of my life when nothing is as it seems
seven days was it seven years or was it eternity
pointed my finger at the pool and it pointed right back at me
the sun hung frozen in the sky smoking panama red
tossing and turning all night long and sweat all in my bed
a whore lay beside me in my bed filled with keen desire
I found I couldn't resist her wiles as I was bound with strings and wire
a thick grey fog came from my veins burning idols made of wood
the only things that remained are the things the fire withstood
I woke up in my bed all alone I knew then not to smile
how long had I been asleep I knew it had been awhile
wonders I'd seen in my dreams seven days of the purlple toad
savages dancing wildly in the night tatooed with earth and woad
lessons learned from my trip things I know and understand
a purple toad without some herbs is tasteless and quite bland

COFFEE JUNKIE

2005-07-25T15:12:00.000-07:00

Wake up in the mornin' but I ain't quite awake
need somethin' to get me movin' need some coffee for God's sake
but Sanka doesn't do it for me Colombian don't fill the need
when all else fails me still got an urge I have to feed

cuz I'm a coffee junkie I'm beggin' on my knees
I'm a coffee junkie give in to my disease

Arms and legs start to quiver I know I got a spell
I know that there are things in life that I can't handle well
anything without coffee, man it just don't seem quite right
don't give me no decaf short skinny latte or anything that says 'lite'

cuz I'm a coffee junkie I'm beggin' on my knees
I'm a coffee junkie give in to my disease

give it to me black and bitter with nothin' added in
and when I'm through drinking it I'll wake up with a grin
I know that there are people here who only follow the trend
they stay away from the simple brews or even the best house blend

but I'm a coffee junkie I'm beggin' on my knees
I'm a coffee junkie give in to my disease

WATER STONE

2005-07-19T05:51:00.000-07:00

Concentric circles in the moonlight I threw a rock in from the shore
Nothing here feels right Life without you is such a chore
It’s the simple things We look for in life
Balanced on the edge of a knife
stop wondering when will this end
linger by the river bend
endless rings moving up and out
is this what life is all about
an echo of the stone I threw
forget everything I thought I knew
Stop wondering What tomorrow will bring
Until then I will sing
Of Your greatest love Your boundless might
The stars shining In the dark of night
And the sacrifice Your Son has made
Through the water I will wade
To reach Your side the end of me
transcend the distance between God and me

DEAD and NUMB

2005-07-19T05:50:00.000-07:00

Memories flashing bright and hot
I can tell you what life’s been
I can tell you what it’s not
So many choices on a day to day
So many things I’d thought to say
Eternal silence of the mind
Count the friends I’ve left behind
I’ve sunk here, baby, all sick and rotten
Settled on the black and muddy bottomlook into my eyes and speak my name
Say it again, speak it in vain
I won’t listen I’ll ignore the sound
I don’t wanna be seen, don’t wanna be found
Strange thoughts, tumult in my mind
Black wooden coffin heart, silken lined
Listen to the voice of reason scream
Separate the nightmare from the dream
Try and resurrect me from the dead
Pack in the blood I’ve already bled
Watch as the dreadnought begins to rise
Listen to the truths you thought were lies
Will no one listen, will no one hear
The sound of my heart beating out your fear
There was a time when I was young
Hand clutched on the bottom ladder rung
And now so high I must’ve reached the top
Waiting for the inevitable drop
My heart beats out one last cadence call
A sudden stop at the end of a fall
Blood on the pavement, pretty to see
The coroner comes, does he set me free
One last thought, my final solution
The priest gives me my absolution
Do I want God, do I want Him to forgive
Do I want to receive one last life to live
Or settle quietly in the throes of sleep
Gathered around, friends and family weep
Will no one save me from this body of death
Snorting coke, popping meth
Anything to feel a bit more numb
So I don’t have to confront where I’ve come from
Look through the bars of my prison cage
Step off the scales, measured and weighed
Soul is heavy, doesn’t balance the scale
And here I was believing life was tooth and nail
Look above at the height I fell
Peering from the fifth circle of hell

A SERIOUS LIBATION

2005-07-04T10:37:00.000-07:00

O’ Malley’s was empty. A ceiling fan spun slowly over the bar. A television set hanging from the ceiling stared out over the bar, showing snowy static. The door opened. Brilliant white hot sunshine flooded in, a shadow falling heavily over the floor and nearby table and chair. A bell clinked dully, half-heartedly against the door, and then fell silent, as if silenced by an unseen hand.
Dan walked in slowly. Wearily. The door closed, the bell giving one last clink. He stopped short where he was, surveying the place. The empty tables. The lonely bar. He looked old. Resigned. Not knowing what else to do, he went over to the bar and plopped down on one of the bar stools. He looked up at the television set, looking down on him, mocking him. He turned back to the bar, to the stacks of bottles against the wall, gleaming in the half light- golden, pale, and clear. He wasn’t particularly thirsty. But then again, thirst had nothing to do with it.
With sudden decision, he got up and went around the bar and through the swinging gate the led behind the bar. He grabbed a bottle- but not just any bottle. Eighteen year-old scotch. He had lusted after that bottle a long time. He grabbed a glass. What the hell did he need a glass for, he asked himself. But he knew the answer. We was going to do this up right. He was going to enjoy it. If that were possible. He poured himself a serious libation and put it to his lips.
Someone racked a shotgun right behind him, and then he felt a cold tickle of the barrel pressed against his ear as only a shotgun barrel can tickle. He froze. He could smell the scotch. He wanted to drink, but he didn’t dare.
“Easy, friend,” he said.
“Put the booze on the bar, mister, then reach for the sky,” a gravelly voice said.
“Henry, it’s me, Dan.”
Dan turned slowly. He almost went cross-eyed, staring down the barrel of the shotgun pointing at his nose.
The shotgun lowered. It was Henry, all right, trembling now with fear and exhilaration. He was an old man and not used to such excitement.
“The hell you doin’ here, Danny?”
“I needed a drink.”
Danny sipped some scotch. Felt it go smoothly down.
“Why aren’t you off with the others?”
“Why aren’t you?”
“It’s my bar, dammit! I’ll be damned it any sonofbitch is gonna slip in here and desecrate it. Why didn’t you run, Danny? You coulda made it.”
“Maybe. Would it do me any good? Even if I had?”
“Maybe not.”
“You gonna stand there with that shotgun and look stupid, or are you gonna help me drink this scotch?”
“Both. How much time you think we got?”
Danny poured him a glass.
“Don’t know. Few minutes. Few hours, for all I know.’
“You see anybody on the way over?”
“Not a soul. They’re probably on their way to the freeway by now. I figured the freeways would be jam packed.”
“Would you believe it? No planes, no traffic helicopters, nothin’.”
“Oh, they’re off to the hills, now, Henry.”
“What the hell happened, Danny? Where did it all go wrong?”
“Don’t ask me, Henry. I don’t know anymore, and what’s more, I’ve stopped caring.”
They both raised their glasses and drank a little.
Outside the wind was rising, roaring.
“Danny, you think
A wall of debris and fire, smoke and brimstone laid waste to the bar, to the fan spinning slowly, the television staring, mocking, and Dan and Henry drinking their scotch.

End Times and Persecution

2005-07-01T14:11:00.000-07:00

I used to be an end times apocolyptic armageddon freak. Still am, in many ways, but the physical persecution I always thought was immenient never came. And may never come, I think. I've grown up a lot since then, but retain much of the same sensibilities I once had. It would be interesting I've always said to live through parts of Revelation, just to see prophecy being fulfilled. Parts of it I believe have been fulfilled already, but the wham bam series of events leading to the end has not yet taken place, ie, the wrath of God poured out on mankind.
I always thought there would be some form of physical persecution in my day toward Jews and Christians. I mean, I know it happens in parts of the world, but not America very much. I was thinking that hiding in sewers and toting weapons would sort of be the norm, if there is such a thing, but now, after much study and feeling out the state of the world, I think Christians tendency toward physical persection to be an unhealthy thing, and here's why. First and foremost, persecution comes in many forms, and other forms of it are ridiculously hard to spot and can often be misleading.
The Jews are not in this category. I think they have sufficiently been persecuted all through existence, but will continue to be victorious. My question is this: Why try to kill all the Jews? My logic is simple: Kill the Jews, destroy the law that condemns the world. Spiritual anarchy would rein. However, when killing all the Jews becomes an impossibility, Satan turns his attack on Christians. Why? Because he wants to destroy the concept of salvation. With either one destroyed, satan would be in a better position to control the world. That is why we suffer. However, because Jews practice the law outwardly, they are persecuted outwardly, and because Christians are Jews of the heart, they are persecuted inwardly, in the heart. How do you destroy a heart? By creating a society that loves evil, that makes evil so beautiful it's hard to resist. By making unholiness attractive to the saints.
The war we face, the persecution, is indeed of the soul. This type of persection is even worse, because it attracts men like flies to the rottenness of coruption. We must STAND in the face of this persection, even as Jews stand their ground day after day in the Holy Land.

EXHILE

2005-06-21T17:13:00.000-07:00

Which is easier? To go into exhile, or to stand and face what one would go into exhile for? I once told a friend who was struggling through something that in some cases, retreat is not a dishonor, it is saving yourself for a fight later. When faced with overwhelming odds, is it better to simply run away? The trouble with thoughts of my own exhile are in knowing that my problems are of the heart. They will not simply go away if I relocate. They will remain, and my spirit will diminish all the more through being alone.
I wish to obey God. But I don't often hear Him. I often hear myself being god, telling myself to do this and that, and I obey. Would that God would speak to me so I might obey. Even then, would I?
Walking along the beach today, God told me not to weep for the world. I didn't really think that I did, but He showed me how I have my memories of when life seemed grand and that I hold onto them as tightly as a drowning man his savior. We will drown together. I am in love with my memories. In love with things that have passed away, an entire life, a generation, a holiness that will never be again. People often do not understand this about me. This sense of despair when there seems to be nothing to despair about. Part of that is true. The victory is sure, but here and now, lives and souls hang in the balance. When men who fight do nothing, they are brought as low as those who are slain.
How easy it would be for me to go into exhile. Like Christ in the desert for forty days. The man part of Him died, and He became more Christlike, just as we are to do. To put off the man, take up the cross, and follow in His example. I could forsake it all. I could lay it all down. I could walk out naked into the desert with nothing but my faith. I would meditate on all that is Godly. I would stave off hunger with the Word, my lust would die, my eyes would be blinded by the sun, my pride brought low as the sun scorched my body, reducing me. My flesh emeciated by want of food and water.
But what of those left behind? Have they no one to fight for them? Have they no one to lift them up? Have they no one to share their burden? How easy it would be to think only of myself! To forget all that I have loved, to renounce the world and live apart, to adourn myself in tears of thoughts of my sins, and to live as though I were the only one in need of a savior!
But therein lies the conundrum. It is important for me to be Godly. In order to do so, a forsaking of everything in this world must be done. But we are commanded to remain in the world. How do we become more Godly while living in a world that hates God? How to live in the world where there are mirrors to remind us of vanity, girls to remind us of our flesh, food to remind us of hunger apart from God, money to remind of greed, men of renown and the towers they build to remind us of lust for power?
Ahh, to go into exhile and not sin...

2005-06-19T21:32:00.000-07:00

Even in the dim light, she could tell. Beer and piss were flooding his eyes, the perfect goggles to see her through. She'd had many men in this same way, the only way, and tonight would be no different. The only question to be had was where, where, where? She took another sip of her vodka martini smoothie whatnot and eyed him casually. She tapped some rather long, painfully red nails on the ancient wood of the bar. His cigarette smoke was a fog before him, he didn't see her at all. No matter. All it took was time. She uncrossed her legs and recrossed them in his direction, 'Fatal Attraction' style. He might have noticed then, but she didn't know. She was too busy warding off the bartender eye. It was a game they played, the bartender and her. He watched her carefully, misplacing her efforts, and she watched him, giving the evil eye, as if to say, piss off. It normally worked. She thought he might be tiring of it tonight, so she moved for her ace up the sleeve. She had a few bucks in her purse and a limp cigarette. They would be her smoke and mirrors. She slid a few bucks on the counter and kept her hand on it. The bartender sauntered over, none too trilled.
"A beer for the tall drink a water over there," she said loudly, but not too loudly. The man still hadn't paid her a cent of attention. No matter. A man like that would shortly.
She lit her cigarette and waiting. A few drags later, and the bartender was handing the man a bottle. Something cheap. But the man wouldn't know the difference. Not him. Not him all boozed up as he was.
The man stared at it, maybe trying to figure out what it was. He didn't ask the barkeep no questions, and the bartender hadn't said anything to him. The man began drinking slowly. Putting it down to savor each sip. Yep. He was hard up, she reckoned. She picked up her purse and descended her throne on the bar stool and made her way over. Slowly and deliberately, but not too slow and deliberately. She plunked down right beside him, taking a big long sucking sip on her straw at the vodka martini smoothie thing that was almost gone now and looked at him.
It was then he turned his full attention on her. What was left of it. And he damn near burned a hole right through her with his gaze. Hundreds of miles of cracked desert highway, sagebrush and praries and wide open places were back there all hunkered down, and the sight took her breath for a moment.
He took a swig.
Non plussed, she plowed on.
"You lonely tonight?" She asked him. Pretty blunt, she knew, but in his state, he wouldn't care.
Again, that unnerving stare.
"Always," the man said. A voice as deep as a dry well, and just as gravelly, too.
"I've got a place across the way, if yer interested." She said.
"I ain't." The man said brusequely.
"Whaddya mean?" She asked, intimidated for the first time.
"Gotta be headin' off shortly."
"Shortly?" She said, sensing hope. "Don't you have time for love?"
"Never do. Never did." The man gruffed. "And not a dime spent for it, neither. "
"Well, this one's on me, big boy. Just the two of us and that room I've got yonder."
"Woman, I've got a load that needs gettin' to Tulsa right quick. I don't take to passengers except the hitch once in a while, and I don't take to women, especially so the likes a you."
The man shoved off from the bar and brushed past her. She watched him go, his boots firma nd solid on the concrete.
She looked up at the bartender. He had that same toothy grin she always hated.
"Don't ya know nuthin', Tammy? That there's the last man. Only one woman's bedded him. That's his wife, and no one since her death. The man's a stud, and a damn fine one at that, but a man whose heart is broke ain't got time for lovin' or lustin'."
"Ah, hell. I only wanted some for myself tonight."
"Any other man, sure. But not him. Now get out before I throw ya out."
She sipped the last of the vodka martini what have you, picked up her purse, and tottered out.

2005-06-10T21:53:00.000-07:00

Simon opened his eyes. Light was everywhere. And noise. White noise. It rose and fell, undulating like the ocean swell. It was the ocean swell. Wave after wave crashed onto the shore. Grey clouds scuttled across the sky. Wind snapped Simon's hair. His hair fell across his eyes, then moved away again. A silly dance.
He was sitting in the sand. Cross-legged. Naked. His skin was pure and smooth. And white. Like a baby's. Almost translucent. He sat with a straight back. Hands and arms resting easily on his thighs. His blue eyes stared out to sea without squinting. Without blinking. His hair blew in his eyes. It blew away. Eternity could pass like this and he wouldn't move, it was so serene. Cares and wants he might normally have fell away. Food. Clothing. Shelter. Joy. He needed no more necessity than what was already provided. Air. But he didn't think this or any other thought. His mind, his body, his entire being, was completely and utterly at rest.
But then, a change in the wind. A subtle shift in his hair. Sand moving nearby. It sounded like a gunshot, so explosive was its intrusion.
A shadow fell over Simon. The dark figure of a person.
Simon turned his head and looked back and up. A silhouette stood there, hooded in darkness. The folds of cloth that surrounded it billowed in the wind. Simon could discern neither shape nor color of the person's being. It was almost as if the person were comprised of thick smoke. But he was reasonably sure that the thing was a person.
Something suspended in air in front of the stranger spun in a circle at an incredible rate. It made a swishing sound in the air like a string tied to a rock might make if it was twirled overhead.
Simon stood and turned to face the shadow.
The thing gazed at him eyeless. Socketless. Featureless. Simon stared back, nonplussed. The object twirled.
"Do you know why you are here?"
The thing spoke in a voice like many voices speaking at once. As if the ocean waves found breath and a voice.
Simon canted his head to one side. He could not speak. The object twirled.
"You are here so that you may be shown that which you could not know yourself."
The object twirled faster.
Simon's gaze flickered from the shadowy figure to the twirling object.
The shadowy figure seemed to sense his curiosity.
"Stretch forth your hand."
Simon straightened his head. He looked at the twirling object, then at the shadow. The shadow inclined its head as if in encouragement. To give it's blessing.
Simon reached with his hand toward the twirling object. His hand went past sea. It went past sky. It reached parallel to the horizon.
His hand extended near the object, he froze, and looked once more at the shadowy figure to make sure it was okay.
Without taking his eyes off of the shadow, he lunged forward on the balls of his feet and seized the twirling object out of the air.
A horrendous metallic sound rent the air with a clang, and Simon reared back, retracting his hand as if it had been burned. The object deftly clutched in his fist came into sharp focus.
It was a dagger, intricately carved all over with symbols and letters both foreign and strange to Simon or any language he had yet seen. He stared at the dagger calmly, then looked past the blade at the shadow.
The shadow nodded slowly, approvingly.
"This is the first of many lessons. Remember. I will see you again. In the future."
The shadow turned and walked away. The folds of his clothes caught the wind like a sail and billowed out parallel to the ground. But instead of revealing something of its substance, it merely made his image larger, and even more mysterious. The wind died for an instant, the coat settling once more around its body. The effect was to make it smaller, and it soon disappeared into the heat waves that glanced off of the sand of the beach.

Simon woke up with a quick anguished groan that seemed to fill the room. He was lying on the floor in front of his wheelchair.
Like a lightning bolt, his arm flashed up. It flashed down. Something stuck there, quivering in the wood. Something long and narrow, shining metallically. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust. For his brain to realize what it was. He saw symbols. Writing. Both foreign and strange. He saw a handle. He saw a blade.
With a flash, he knew what it was. A dagger. The dagger.
He backed away from it slowly, using his hands to slide away on the bare floorboards.
Where his head had been, blood puddled.
He tasted his lip. Salty. He put his hand there. It came away streaked in red. His lip felt raw, as if he had been chewing on it.
And there was the dagger. As fresh and new as if it had been made moments ago. In all likelihood, Simon thought, it had been made moments ago. In that time between waking and sleeping. Where all things are possible. He didn't understand how something from a dream could be manifested in reality, but there it was, defying all odds. It made him wonder what other things in his dreams might come to be. What wonders. What terrors.
He pushed himself up with one hand and with the other, found his chair. He pulled himself up and pushed with his hand. He got into the chair. He put his feet in the feet rest. He stared at the dagger. Studied it.
"This is the first of many lessons." The shadowy figure's voice rang in his head.
"I will see you again. In the future."
He shuddered to think what the future might hold. Something was certain to him, however. Things were changing. Old rules becoming void. Power shifting. Doctor Lotan's days were numbered. Power was shifting, and it was beginning to shift Simon's way. He wasn't sure what his dream meant. Or how the dagger was conceived. But he knew that no longer would it be a world of secrets forever locked away. Soon, doors would open. Shadows would emerge from the darkness to be revealed in the light of day.
And then, Simon saw the door.
A thin stream of light came down the side, more narrow than the edge of a saber. More keen than the blade of the mysterious dagger.
He unlocked the wheels of the chair and crept forward. He rolled slowly past the dagger. He rolled to that fine line of light. He reached it and peered out without touching it. There wasn't much he could see. He touched the knob, then palmed it. He opened it up a little more.
He listened. Somewhere in the building, a showerhead dripped.
The water droplet formed silently. It refracted the bathroom. It was pregnant. Ready to be born. It fell.
Plop.
It echoed. Resounded through the whole building. But nothing else. Somewhere, paint cracked. He could hear it, ripping from its brothers. Like a fault line. A painted earthquake.
If there was anyone else in the building, they were dead. Only the dead can be so silent.
He opened the door more- enough to get his chair through. He wheeled forward and peered down the corridor.
It was carpeted in an eighth inch single color carpet so prevalent in establishments where the owner has little time and even less inclination to vacuum. In its present state, it looked all but decayed. Down the very center was a path that remained a little less dirty than the sides. In his mind, Simon replayed the sound of Doctor Lotan approaching.
Doom, doom, doom, doom.
This was where he walked. This was where the horseman strode. But he was not here.
Doors lined the hall- doors like his own. They must lead somewhere, he reasoned. Perhaps to other rooms. Perhaps suites. Behind each door, perhaps there were others. Like him. Even as he thought it, he doubted it. He could go investigate, but that notion faded when he looked down the other end of the hall.
The end of the hall was closer to his room than the door down near where Doctor Lotan must have entered. Closer than he dare imagine. At the end of the hall where Doctor Lotan entered from was a door. At his end of the hall , darkness gave way to faint light growing stronger and stronger until it crescendoed at a rectangle of light so bright, that he could not tell from what vehicle it emitted.
He turned his chair to this light and rolled toward it slowly, half expecting to be sucked up into some strange heaven or else some other world- something.
The light hurt. His head pounded. But he never blinked. Even when tears distorted his view of it so that the crisp outline of the rectangle became indistinct.
This was the light!
He spread his arms forward and up as if in supplication. His mouth hung a little awkwardly showing a tongue swimming in saliva.
He reached the end. His bare toes scraped the wall. His pupils dilated, huge irises focusing. He could see. Out and down. A mystery was solved.
He reached out a hand. His skin smacked the glass. This was where world's collided.
He could see the world! The novelty of it was something so new and intense, it stole his breath. He took it all in with sweeping, jumping glances. He leapt from one impossible figure and structure to another. Moving, dodging, reeling, swerving- the world was a living, breathing thing. And in the light was its flow. In the light was its breath.
And there was the world's husband high in the sky, beating, breathing life on all.
This sight, this moment, this ecstasy would be his opium. And he shot it to hell into his bloodstream. His eyes were needles. His mind, the plunger that spat it through the neck to his heart, and his heart went:
Doom, doom, doom, doom!
And it coursed through his body till even the balls of his feet were tingling like after an orgasm.
Sweet, sweet, opium!

2005-06-10T21:41:00.000-07:00

A single ray of light cut through the darkness. The tiny beam illuminated an eye, pressed closed in the darkness. The eyelid fluttered. Something was happening. A metamorphosis. Time passed. The earth moved, a speck in space. The eyelid fluttered again, only now it was the other eye lit by the beam.
It snapped open. Full of fear. Full of loathing. A cry escaped from unseen lips. A boiling cauldron of a scream. It was short, however, and died without an echo.
A body snapped upright, mostly unseen in the morning half light. White sheets collapsed like a curtain revealing a David-esque physique. The beam of light exploded on the sheets and bounced off into the room crazily.
A silvery metallic sheen next to the makeshift bed caught the light and began to play with it, sending it streaking on its curves and wheels. Wheels within wheels. It was a wheelchair. The body's feral eyes scanned the room without moving, then the eyes leapt upon the wheelchair.
A strong hand snaked out from the sheets and grabbed one of the armrests. It pulled his body over one inch at a time. He slowly, carefully, transferred his body from bed to chair and then sat there in plain white boxers.
He looked down at his body in the morning half light.
This is what passes for my life. He thought.
He unlocked his wheels and moved to the far wall where the tiny hole was that let in the beam of light. A board was on the floor, toppled. He picked it up. He gripped it in two pale hands, took a swing at the hole- nothing. He let loose with another, and just as quickly, another. Wood was cracking. Stone was rending. Concrete and mortar were disintegrating. Somewhere, the foundation of the world was breaking up.
He quickly tired. Sweating, he leaned back to survey his work. The hole- the hole was getting bigger. The light stronger. It stung at his eyes. Cold air whistled in. He shivered. With more light, he was able to see more. He looked at his body in the morning half light. It was white. White as an albino. His skin was tight. Hardly any fat at all. It clung to his bones tightly, defining his muscles. It wasn't to say that he was strong. He didn't eat enough. He never knew it till now, but in the morning half light, it showed. He knew it wasn't good. He worried.
Somewhere outside of his room, there was the world. He wasn't sure where that world began and where it ended at his room, but that did not matter. What mattered was his pounding heart, beating a rhythm that in strange ways spoke doom into his existence. It mirrored the footsteps of someone in the outside world. This someone was a horseman of the apocalypse, but the world didn't know it, so cleverly was he disguised. But the boy had no doubt. As his heart beat faster, it spoke of the impending doom. His chest thudded.
A shoe touched the pavement.
Doom.
Something throbbed in the boy's chest, making it crawl under all that bone and flesh.
Doom.
A small black leather bag moved ghostly over the pavement, clutched in a finely wrought hand.
Doom.
An arm carried a white lab coat against a pressed gray suit.
Doom.
And now, it was no longer on the outside world, but somewhere in the building. The boy felt like screaming to the residents: Flee for your lives! Herod has come for your children!
But his mouth was dry, and his heart spoke for him.
Doom.
Feet were ringing on a metal staircase.
Then it was coming down the hall.
Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom.
His heart was a staccato.
A door was flung open. Pale light crept in. A silhouette stood there, all smiles. The door shut.
Even in the pale light, the boy could tell the man now wore the lab coat, as if it somehow made his visit official.
"Good morning, Simon."
"Dr. Lotan..." The boy rasped out.
"And how are we feeling this morning?"
Simon flexed his arm. The ray of light caught it just right and made it seem large. Formidable.
"Better and better. You?"
"A small case of a head cold. Can't complain, though."
The doctor stepped to the makeshift bed and set his case down on it.
"Perhaps you won't complain, but I will."
"Oh?"
Dr. Lotan opened the case, one hasp at a time. The boy, Simon, leaned forward, his gaze garish in the light.
"I often wish for it to end. The silly thing is, it doesn't."
"It?"
"This..."
Simon spread his hands to his room. His body.
"Ahhh..." Dr. Lotan seemed to understand. He seemed to empathize. He busied himself in the dark recesses of his bag. Simon grew impatient.
"Dr. Lotan, somewhere there is a darkness in the world. I have felt it, pressing. Yet, I have seen the light, and it grows."
Dr. Lotan turned back around.
"I see the medicine has worn out. Time, perhaps, for another dose?"
Simon laughed harshly. Drunkenly.
"Time for dreams, Dr. Lotan! Yes! Dreams!" He was shouting now.
Dr. Lotan stepped forward, his fist closed around something. It flashed in the morning half light.
"No. No dreams, Simon."
Simon watched him, his feral eyes wide with fear. With loathing.
Dr. Lotan lunged forward, grabbed him by the hair, thrust him forward, and stabbed something into the base of Simon's neck.
Simon's mouth jerked open with a scream, but no sound came. His feral eyes glazed over. Fear and loathing leaked out in tears.
Dr. Lotan stepped back, finished.
Simon slumped back, no longer supported.
He looked dead.
Dr. Lotan retrieved a flashlight and shined it into Simon's eyes.
He bent closer, studying.
Simon lunged out and grabbed him by the tie. He pulled him down and himself up, till they were eye to eye. Dr. Loan’s breath was bitter.
Doom.
"Will you ever tell me what is wrong with me?" Simon whispered fiercely. Then he was no more. His grip weakened. He settled back into his chair, exhaling a long sigh. His eyes grew hard and dim, then closed in sleep.
Dr. Lotan straightened his tie.
"No more questions now, Simon."
He retrieved his case and walked out the door.
The door did not close all the way, but stayed open a crack. Not even a mouse could pass through. But it was a crack.
Doom.